- Jukebox The Ghost -
There are a lot of things that I'd like to say on this blog, but my thoughts have a tendency to bottleneck into a curious sensation of trickling words that don't always make immediate sense, and often come with the embarrassment of stuttering or incorrect word choice, or even, God forbid, stream-of-consciousness expression that can be difficult to shut off.
(Oh, no. You're still talking. Why are you still talking? Well, here we go.)
But I want to talk to you. I've spent too much time worrying about expressing myself as others deem the most intelligent way, and have skipped over the part about being genuine. Over the last year or so I've been chipping away at behaviors I've developed in an effort to protect myself, because I've been in situations where no one would do it for me.
I've been laughed at, mocked, threatened, manipulated, befriended, complimented, encouraged, and made to feel more valuable than I have in a long time.
I still make mistakes, but I've reached a point where, apart from the basics of food, shelter, and clothing, I know what I need. It isn't just about showing people my thoughts -- my universe. It's about showing people theirs. I need to accomplish this in even some small way.
I'm not an optimist by any stretch of the imagination, but I've learned to hope for something better than I usually expect.
I'm nearly done with my first year of art school. I'm not going to go back to five years ago, but suffice to say at that point I couldn't even fathom that I'd be where I am now. In the midst of the accusatory blur of "why don't you try harder?" I realized the answer was "because I don't want what you want."
It isn't just about showing people my thoughts -- my universe. It's about showing people theirs.
I want what I want. Sometimes it involves being heard. Sometimes it involves a rather large slice of cake. But, I also want other people to be genuine. It's been a long road to learning how to express this, and more than a few firefights between he who wanted to shout and they who didn't want to listen.
On that long road (and still longer), I've learned to appreciate the scenery. The road is pointed toward a destination, but it's not up to me to tell everyone all about it. They have all the information already -- the least I can do is be some kind of friend (or at least influence) along the way.
And I've collected a few traveling buddies that, at this point, seem to want to go the same way for a while (hopefully quite a while). While I learn even more about the technical aspects of my arts, I'm going to continue learning about people, and hopefully help people learn more about themselves in the process.
I'm cynical, and hopeful. I ask way too many questions, and I like it that way. I will annoy you, and you may even come to hate me, or you may like me in spite of that, which is my favorite way to annoy people, honestly. I walk fast with large bags, but I'll sit down if you're interested in catching up. I know where I'm trying to go, but I'd rather not leave anyone behind. The goal is the road.
This is an open invitation to come along.