- The Fratellis -
I've been taught a lot of things over the years, some of which have actually been useful.
I'm here to connect through the break I've had writing here. I'm not here to explain myself -- I'm here to explain why it's important.
I've been working straight for three months at a time. I've also been hearing people who don't have this lifestyle, or at least have it out of preference, make suggestions that self care and downtime is important. I've been told to take care of myself, and if I don't have time for something, to simply do it on my day off.
My day off.
In running from the abusive expectations of some, I ran to the abusive expectations of others. In trying to leave this environment, I've been told that if I do, I'll never amount to much. No one likes a quitter, even if that "dropout" is objectively better at what they do than most around them -- they should be doing something else, apparently.
I'm figuring out some important decisions that will not only benefit me, but the people who truly care about me. I'm the one who has to live with me nonstop. I have to live with my own decisions and thoughts. I know what's best, and I know what I can handle. And if I say no to something, it's not falling short. The people who are going to be disappointed once things go through are largely the ones who are so ingrained in the pattern, they wouldn't listen to me anyway.
The problem is, the reason I got into this trap was because of money. And I need to organize some of that to get out. It isn't an instant action. I'm still here today, able to write to you, because I know what I want. No one can tell me that something is impossible, if it's something that I really want. And that may sound somewhat Disney-fied to you, but it's what's lost me family and friends to the undercurrent of disbelief that I can do what I put my mind to. I have literally been labelled insane because I don't give into what other people want.
People throughout my life have insisted that I will never know what's best for me, and are continuing to insist such nonsense.
I haven't drawn for me, or anything I'm particularly comfortable putting out into the world, for quite a while. I've entered contests that, yes, I've won, but have proven yet more illustration that I will never be good enough for some. And that I should just chill out and self-care on my days off.
If I can't take care of myself, I can't give you what I make art in the first place to give you.
I can't fix the world, but I can influence. We all take up space and deserve to take up our space. I've found myself trying to be smaller because I didn't think I deserved that.
I am enormous.
I am madness.
I'm an unrepeatable part of the universe.
I'll do things my way, because I know best.
And I'll be back, hopefully sooner rather than later.